9/13/18
I’m an insomniac because I like the night. I like the night because I like stillness and dislike bright light. Why do I dislike bright light? I don’t know, but dim ambient light makes me feel calm and safe. I really don’t like unexpected sounds. So I’m much calmer and even euphoric at night. So I stay awake a lot. Proximity to people I haven’t adjusted to bothers me, if they’re focusing on me, paying attention, expecting a response. But I can handle being in a crowd, especially if I’m with people that I like. I don’t like being alone in public, but I like being alone. Lying makes me very uncomfortable, so it’s obvious when I lie. I can’t seem to mask my feelings. I don’t know why exactly, but stores particularly make me very nervous. I feel I’m being watched when I’m in one, and I hate it. This stuff is obvious to my family, but I wanted to write it down for probably the umpteenth time.
After a long time, I get used to a sound (months) and it stops making my heart leap, demanding attention. The intercom and doors almost never make me jump anymore, now that I’ve been here for a year, but if a CO suddenly yells on the intercom and it’s not a message I hear a lot like “Code blue 9E”, I jump.
It’s funny how your attitude towards people can change in jail. People who at first seemed rude and abrasive, once you figure them out, you understand. Other people who at first seem friendly can often (but not always) turn out to be unpleasant.
It’s a kind of male society on a level I never experienced, where nobody can really fully afford to trust a newcomer. The unspoken rules are all different from on the street. At first, I thought this life would make me more racist. Now, I’m beginning to see that ultimately it might just make me more able to tell when someone is hostile, or racist, or a liar, no matter what color they are.