Blog #4
I wake to the sound of the palette in the sliding metal door slamming open. I pull the towel back down over my eyes and lay down until I hear the tray of sewer-gray oatmeal and sour bead slam onto the pallet. I get up solemnly, cursing Uncle Sam, and scoop the oatmeal into a plastic bowel, place the bread, jelly and sugar in another. I mix commissary oatmeal inc.to the gray slop to flavor it. Then I put it under my bed for later and lie back down to sleep. The C.O. asks if I'm coming out of my cell this morning. I say no. I place my head on my illegal second blanket that I use for a pillow and escape, just for awhile, the fascist nightmare that I live in. Even if they released me tomorrow, I'm a marked man now. Other governments won't let me in, Uncle Sam owns me, his human plowshare until the day my cancer-filled heart sees fit to send me to my final rest.
I wake again to the sound of my door sliding open, a noise like a trash compactor. It's 3:00. My a lawyer might come to see me soon, I have to wake up. So I pull out my earplugs and pour instant coffee into a plastic cup full of cold water. I swallow mood stabilizers. I wash the coating off of 3 small salmon-colored pills, crush them with the butt of my roll-on, pour the powder onto a playing card. I put another playing card on top in case someone walks by my cell. Then I snort a painful amount of caustic hcl salt, fillers, and binders. Every night I contemplate suicide, embrace my imperfect life and vow to hang on like a louse to the hair of life to suck the blood out of a vast system I can't hope to bring down, Every morning I don't want to get out of bed. There's not much reason: there are no educational programs, social interaction is risky and stressful...most of the time I stay in my room. I read, write, and draw. When I get antsy from sitting, I pace back and forth for hours at a time and do pushups.